Why don't I feel loved by anyone?
Ok, that was a bit melodramatic, but that's what i feel right now.It's like I all the world typically hates me, you know?
Ok, I'm not being eh-mow [emo] or anything, I'm just expressing what I'm feeling at this exact moment of my life.
I think I'm experiencing the pangs [yet again] of the so called "middle-child-syndrome". I feel so unwanted here, which is basically the reason why i really HATE to stay home a lot. And maybe one of the reasons why I don't like school-breaks as much as the other kids. 
(Damn. I hate psycho-analyzing myself.)
The funny thing is, my mom [a so-called Psychology Graduate with a *I think* Masters Degree] couldn't even empathize with me.
She asked me about an hour ago what the was wrong with me. Come on! YOU ARE WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME *itch!
I don't feel the same love you give to my siblings. I hear you croon all the time how special they both are..what about me huh?
I'm the one who you give papers to proofread for grammatical errors and spelling/puntuation errors. I'm the one who you call from your office everytime you construct a sentence in English and ask if the sentence structure is correct or not. I'm the one who you turn to when you need someone to make you a PowerPoint Presentation for some report you need for in a meeting. AND IM THE ONE WHO'S EFFIN AWAKE TYPING YOUR SHIITE RIGHT NOW!!
And you couldn't even give me something as simple as the love you could easily give to my siblings? That really breaks my heart. You have no idea how crushing that sentence marked in violet is to me.
I dont understand why you can't give me your love or show me that you appreciate me, even if it's only a little bit or even if it's only "mock/pretend-like", I think I'd still want that from you. 
(How pathetic am I, really?)
I'm the child who ALWAYS GIVES YOU GOOD GRADES FROM SCHOOL.
I'm the child who's NEVER GOT A FAILING MARK.
I'm the child who has "above-average-close-to-excellent" English skills.
I'm the child you resemble the most back when you were young (and Dad's got a picture in his wallet to prove it).
And no matter how hard I try, you'll never love me as much as you love those other two will you? I can't wrap my head on why you hate me so damn much. I used to look up to you as a kid, now I only see hatred, from me to you. I'm just reciprocating the feelings.
You know, I still wanna thank you anyway.
Thank you for bearing me in your womb for 9mos.
Thank you for taking care of me during my infant years.
Thank you for the possibility of giving me your love before my sister was born.
And lastly, THANK YOU FOR NOT LOVING ME AS MUCH AS YOU LOVE THEM BOTH...
I am a better and STRONGER person because of that fact.
~I write better.
~I psycho-analyze myself more, helping me understand the REAL ME amidst the self-pity.
~I cry a lot, cleaning my eyes more often than usual.
~I'm not as sappy about love as most kids my age are.
~I am tougher when it comes to heartaches, you trained me since I was a little kid.
I've self-pitied myself a million times since I was little and I know it has made me stronger.
Don't you worry, someday I'm gonna repay you the same courtesy you gave me.
And the reason why I'm still breathing now is because I have been living to reach that day. And now that I'm not a little kid anymore, I'm getting closer and closer to that day, just wait and see.
†"Fuck me over, I'll show you what's it like to be sooo used."†
1 comment:
Oh, how I can relate to your woes of what you just expressed here. I too, am a middle child (40 years old)- middle of 5, and ugh....don't get me started on the issues that I have encountered with being in the middle.
My dad is dying in a nursing home, and I cant be any where close to his side due to the "others" squeezing me out. I was the one though, that cried with dad,forgave dad, sang to dad, etc... have been there for all of the heartaches life has dealt each of them ( siblings+ mom and dads)...,but I am not allowed near his bedside. I want to hold his hand and give him peace, speak kind things to him....but my sisters find reason to get me off that bed, and so on ....Mom cannot say one nice thing about me as it stirs up jealousy. Why?
I have worked so hard my whole life to allow my siblings to be elevated above me,( dont talk about my dreams, my life, my heart) so not to create division; after all we are the peacemakers, right? But I am still known as the clumsy one, the silly one, the domestic one..and the one they all come to. I have always been told I was not that bright, but at 40 I am getting my degree, and carrying a 4.0 ...but you know what, they dont even ask...and they dont know... They just tell me about their promotions,problems, questions about life..etc.
..and I listen and applaud them. (Sincerely) I wont invite them to my graduation, but not out of anger,out of hurt. I love them all, but I will let them feel great about themselves and keep my dreams to myself. In regards to your mom, know this: it is obvious that your mother sees you as a reliant,dependable,secure,sharp woman or she would not be going to you for help! She needs you. BUT you need her TOO! She simply does not see your need to be loved, if even a morsel.. That breaks my heart as I am SO sensitive to people who just want acknowledgement that,"Hellooooo, I am here..alive, giving you all that I have, being obedient, available for you, and I just wish you'd toss me a bone every now and then..."of love, gratitude..SOMETHING..anything.... right? ( I am sending you a motherly hug, and I dont even know you) I imagine you are a very compassionate woman,with a good head on your shoulders, and whether or not your parents/mom tells you or not, YOU ARE AWESOME. Is it possible that your mom is insecure? Be proud of your accomplishments, and Its OK to get pissed every now and then, and release it as you did. WOW, I loved it! I was like, "heck yeah!!" ( in a good way :o) ) You WILL make your mark in this world, and it will be uniquely "you." Your siblings are no greater than you, But I wonder if they arent competing with you and wishing they had what you have?? We are all different, and thank God. I imagine you see life in a whole different way and with a beautiful heart, and aren't afraid to express it- and you have a heart for people who need what you crave. In time,If not already, you will see that your mother does love you, and possibly has issues herself. Try to forgive her, and dont change ONE single thing about yourself... Its who you are. I pray that God show you her heart, and that she see yours.... Bless you! With Compassion and Understanding, Stephanie
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